A farewell party. A final hurrah. A profound swan song. An advanced goodbye. It’s when a loved one is getting ready to write “30,” like when a news story ends. It’s a celebration of life while it is still being lived.
They’re called many endearing terms – these celebrations of life as it veers towards the end. It’s designed to limn through the length of time between one’s birth and death dates, otherwise called “the dash between.” In less cringey parlance, the event is bidding farewell, a “living wake,” a profound take at moving from the pain of grief towards a more comforting space. Memories that brought joy, laughter, and closeness take over from a setting that typically radiates a solemn and mournful air, a way of pulling people into a very honest, unfiltered awareness of mortality.
But the feelings aren’t one-note — they’re layered, contradictory, and deeply human. It’s not usually dramatic panic; it’s more like a quiet internal shift, a reminder that time is finite. People who usually do not indulge in philosophical reflections find themselves doing just that.
But the rational mind has a way of dulling the pain and focusing on a gentler, more hopeful mindset. Hence, families that want to grab each moment before the winking of life hold such events as an affectionate demonstration, while they are still very much around, of how the honoree – the terminally ill — stands high in esteem among his friends and relations. It’s less about “goodbye” and more about affirming the honoree is loved and treasured while they can still hear it,
Celebrations of life can be gentle, not gloomy; the tone is warm and centered on the honoree, everyone taking their cue from the former, whose energy frames the mood. Family members from far and near come together for one last reunion – an occasion to show the honoree that they are not alone. Food and drinks are light and easy, and perhaps a song or two is belted out in between conversations. This entails sharing memories, recalling funny incidents, and expressing gratitude for milestones reached.
Necessarily, get-togethers of this nature are marked by polite visiting etiquette, given the delicate condition of the person visited. A dying person may still enjoy a laugh as humor is always welcome, but the mirth becomes a delicate balance between soft smiles and muted grief. The person at the throes of death is the recipient of accolades and well-meaning comments, minus exaggerated humor and absolutely no mention of quirks and flaws. That the honoree in a living wake might be moored in bed or looking frail on a recliner calls for interactions that are short and respectful. The party is, after all, just a visit, while the visited is still able to appreciate the presence and the shared memory.
Across the world, advance wakes (living funerals, living wakes, pre-funerals) exist in many cultures, but they are not widely practiced, and no country systematically tracks them. What is known comes from cultural traditions, hospice/palliative care reports, and recent Western interest. “The rise of living funerals: a new way to say goodbye” from boomercentral.com refers to this practice as a “closure,” for families to pray, share food, reconcile relationships, or pass on heirlooms.
Inferred data from Wikipedia shows the increasing curiosity in the US about such gatherings was triggered by the Covid 19 pandemic, but still, this came from hospice patterns and industry reporting and held chiefly from a desire to patch up broken alliances or seek forgiveness for long-held anger and resentments.
Japan is the only country with a widely recognized tradition that began in 1990 among elders who feel they should take control of end-of-life arrangements. This thinking is still new in the UK but increasingly discussed in palliative and senior-care, according to mariecurie.org.uk.
Among Filipino Americans, the very thought of pre-death gatherings provokes great discomfort, owing to strongly established religious and cultural traditions. The elders fear it drives “tempting the fate” and stirs up awkward discussions. But discuss they do, feeding an insatiable curiosity about this bold and appalling phenomenon.
For a community deeply tied to Catholic rituals and family duties, prior end-of-life activities run counter to “pakikipagkapwa” when wakes (“lamay”) are typically communal, where prayers and condolences are doled out to the bereaved. Traditional wakes also open opportunities to repair fractured bonds for many.
Is a farewell party the beginning of the grieving process? Certainly. It is processed gently, privately, in the dark and dreary recesses of the heart. To some, it helps in the difficult easing into the day of final reckoning when the honoree dies, and the real wake begins.
Connie Triggiano is currently Board Secretary of Circa-Pintig, a Chicago community theater organization. She works as Academic and English tutor assisting foreign students to pass IELTS, TOEFL, Celpic, ESL and other English exams to gain admission to universities in English speaking countries. She also trains greencard holders to pass US citizenship exams and interview. She worked for many years as Vice-President of Chicago-based Leo Burnett Advertising in its Manila office where she managed the advertising accounts of the country’s biggest brands: Procter & Gamble, Pepsi Cola International, BPI, Vicks, Wyeth and Cathay Pacific. She edited a travel newspaper in Singapore and taught college freshmen in a local university. Connie graduated with a BA degree, major in English, from the University of San Francisco in California while working as an information officer for a United Way agency. She took up MS in Advertising at the Asian Institute for the Development of Advertising, UST Graduate School.
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